My core

Crawl 'till dawn

On my hands and knees

Goddamn these vampires

For what they've done to me

-The Mountain Goats





I've tried not to let the bastards get me down. I've tried in all things to remain true to my core, even when I've hated myself thoroughly. I noticed from an early age how many adults were empty at the core, or rotten, or simply floating disconnected from it. & I swore that would never be me.






I planned carefully as a child. Every book I read & every song I heard & every person I loved gave me some bit of wisdom I held onto in the pursuit of my ultimate goal. I clung to myself when my life was dark & traumatic. When my parents were harsh & my family was abusive & friends felt hard to come by.






I had a surprisingly robust resistance to the corruption around me. I was damaged but not broken & I survived the Fuck out of my youth.






& then in college the depression hit even harder. & my anxiety got so bad I was terrified to go to the bathroom which was right down the hall from my dorm room. & I had a boyfriend who told me regularly about all of my weaknesses from my weight to my feelings. Who actively worked to isolate from the rest if the world. & somewhere in all of that I sort of lost myself. & I had to rediscover her in the aftermath.






Struggling with severe social anxiety, I still entered a masters program & flew across the country by myself to complete the residencies. & I fought my fear to make a few friends. One of which turned on me, & told me repeatedly how selfish I was & how I wasn't meeting my potential.






& despite all this I still believed in love & I reconnected with my core & I got up the courage to marry the man I loved. Despite my utter disbelief that marriage could ever work out, I chose to gamble that maybe it could.






& still I was true to my core & I loved her. But then the anxiety got real bad. It took over my life. I had panic attack after panic attack for years. I became afraid to write. I hated myself & my life. I found myself unable to answer the phone, even if my dearest friends called. Then even emailing & texting became a great effort. I was so lonely & so isolated & the weight of life fell down on me. & it's unbearable lightness too. & somewhere in all that, without even realizing it. I lost my core. I became inauthentic.






It wasn't when things were worst that I crumbled. It was when I felt like I had to settle for, at best, things being okay. But Fuck that. I may fight depression for the rest of my life. But you can bet your ass, I will fight it hard.